Snake Tales
by SeththeGreat
Summary: Formerly known as Solid Snake, David has been released from the genetic binds placed on him by the Patriots. Now David lives with his wife Samus, and their adopted son Lucas. While David is no longer on the battlefield fighting bloody wars, he's still going to have to go up against some crazy situations that come his way. Hilarity and Bodily Injury will insue.


**Hello everyone. I'm back with a new story, and it takes place after the events of An Old Snake. Instead of drama all the time, this story will be humorous. Well, most of the time at least. It'll have a lot of MGS humor in it. If you don't know what that means, just PM me and I'll fill you in. Also, I have a feeling that some people who will read this may not have read "**_**An Old Snake**_**". In case you haven't, just know that Solid Snake is referred to by his real name David. Also, each chapter will be referred to as episodes. This is because each chapter will have a new plot, similar to a sitcom in a way. Each chapter may or may not have a different genre. I would consider this chapter to be Family/Romance. Hope you enjoy Episode 1, or Pilot.**

**NOTE: Although this story does take place after An Old Snake, I retconned a few things from An Old Snake in this story. I did this for various reasons that I'll explain in the future.  
SPOILER ALERT! : If you haven't read An Old Snake, this has spoilers for it.  
1. Otacon and Peach are not married in this.  
2. Ness and Ganondorf are not dead.  
**

* * *

It was a sunny Wednesday evening. David, his wife Samus, and their adopted son Lucas were eating pizza that they had ordered. Everything was great.

"It's been a wonderful day." David said to his family

"It sure has David." Samus said smiling

They finished their dinner, and the family sat down in the living room and watched TV together. The doorbell rang suddenly.

"I'll get it." David said and got up from the couch.

David went to his front door and opened it to see who it was.

"Hel…"

David froze before he could finish. He looked at the man who at his front door, and was filled with disbelief. The man looked around his age. Even more shocking, the man looked exactly like David. Same, mullet, same hair color, same physique, same beard, and same eye color. However it appeared the man had only one eye, seeing how he had an eye patch on his right eye. It was when he saw that eye patch that David realized who the man was.

"Big Boss!" David said in disbelief.

"It's good to see you son" Big Boss replied with a grin.

"H-H-How…" David began before being interrupted.

"David? Is everything all right? Who is at the d…" Samus started speaking before freezing from shock

"D-David…who is this man that looks just like you." Samus stuttered in fear.

"Well son? Are you going to introduce the lady to your father?" Big Boss teased.

"Father?!" Samus yelled.

"Yeah. Samus this is my father, Big Boss…who is supposed to be dead…and old…" David said confused

"Ah, I probably should explain that. I don't know why I'm here either. I just woke up in a forest and I was told by some creature that I was a trophy so he revived me. So yeah, I'm alive now, and I look like I did when I was 37. Doesn't make any sense really, but whatever…" Big Boss explained.

Big Boss then put his arm around his son.

"So Snake, what's been going on son? I hope you did what I asked you and chose to live your remaining days in peace."

"I don't go by Snake anymore, I go by real name, David. And yes I have been living in peace."

"Alright David. We've got some catching up to do. Why don't you start by introducing me to your friend here. She's a beauty isn't she?" Big Boss said referring to Samus, who giggled at his remark.

"Dad. That's Samus Aran. My wife." David told his father.

Big Boss' smirk changed into a look of shock. He was stunned at what he just heard.

"Y-Y-Your wife?" Big Boss stuttered.

"It's nice to meet you sir!" Samus said and extended her hand to the man

Instead of accepting the gesture, Big Boss gave Samus a bear hug.

"I've got a daughter in law! Oh my God!" Big Boss cried with excitement.

Samus was shocked at Big Boss' behavior, but smiled and returned the hug. David grinned at his father's excitement. David went through life for a long time until he felt what it was like to have a loving family. His father never got the chance. He went without it to his grave. Now that he was resurrected, he could feel what it's like. He felt happy for his father. Big Boss released Samus and turned to his son.

"You have no idea how proud I am of you son." Big Boss said to his son.

"Hey I heard some yelling. Is everything ok?" Lucas asked entering the room

Lucas saw his mother, father, and a man that looked just like his father.

"Woah! Dad, that guy looks just like you!" Lucas said in amazement.

"D-Did he just call you dad?" Big Boss asked with wide eyes.

"Hey dad? Who is this…Whoa!" Lucas said as he was picked up and embraced by the man with an eyepatch.

"I have a grandson! My God! This couldn't get any better!" Big Boss yelled with happiness

"Wait. Dad, he's my grandpa?" Lucas asked his father, who replied with a nod.

"What's your name buddy?" Big Boss asked his grandson

"My name is Lucas…it's nice to meet you…grandpa." Lucas answered as a smile grew on his face.

Big Boss surprised David and Samus by dragging both of them into a group hug.

"Haha! We're a family! I have a family! We have a family David!" Big Boss cried with joy.

David looked to Samus and smiled. He was a great feeling to see his father be able to be happy like this after all that he's been through.

"Yeah dad. We are. We're a family." David whispered

* * *

**The next day**

David, Big Boss, and Raiden were making their way to the Smash Mansion. David wanted to introduce his father to the people of the Smash Universe. He didn't see any harm in it.

"Me and Raiden are going to introduce you to the Smashers." David told his father

"Ok. What the hell is a Smasher though?" Big Boss asked.

"An elite group of fighters from different universes picked to compete in fighting tournaments." David responded.

"Sounds like something I would enjoy. How do I become one?"

"I never figured that out. David told me you have to impress the Master Hand or something." Raiden answered

"Master Hand?" Big Boss questioned

"He's a giant floating glove that runs the Smash Bros. competitions" David answered

Big Boss became silent and looked at his son with a look of confusion. David noticed his father looking at him strangely.

"Dad? Is there something wrong?"

"David are you high on acid right now?" Big Boss asked sternly.

"What?! No! Why would you ask that?"

"Because you're talking about floating gloves that own a business. There's no such thing as floating gloves. It's not normal."

"Dad this isn't Earth. You're going to find out that this world isn't so normal."

"You're being ridiculous. What are you…HOLY SHIT! WHAT IS THAT?!" Big Boss yelled as he saw what he thought to be a pink marshmallow.

"Dad, that's Kirby. He's a Puffball from Dreamland." David answered

"He's not going to hurt you Boss." Raiden assured Big Boss

"Ok, so you were right. There are some freaky creatures in this world." Big Boss admitted in shock

"Yeah, I told you that." David answered

A grin then grew across Big Boss' face.

"Alright. Well I need to see what they taste like!" Big Boss said and pulled out his M1911 and pointed it at the puffball.

"DAD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" David screamed

"What? Oh! You're right. Where are my manners?"

Big Boss lowered his pistol. David sighed, but looked back at his father and became frightened at what he was doing.

"Don't want to scare anybody with the loud noise." Big Boss chuckled as he attached a suppressor to his pistol and pointed it at Kirby again.

"NO! PUT THE DAMN GUN DOWN! KIRBY IS A SMASHER!" David screamed at his dad

"Really?" Big Boss said surprised and lowered his gun

"Yes. He's a veteran smasher. He's been here since the first tournament."

"Oh…uh…sorry about that…" Big Boss apologized to a terrified Kirby

"I think you should just not shoot anything unless we tell you…" Raiden suggested

"Uh, good idea. Alright! Let's continue!" Big Boss proclaimed excitedly, moving the subject aside."

David and Raiden looked at each other and sighed, hoping that an incident of this type wouldn't happen again.

The trio arrived at the Smash Mansion. Big Boss was amazed at the sight.

"Woah! This is where they live?" Big Boss asked

"Pretty much." David responded

"So, you going to introduce me to anyone son? Hopefully someone that's not a freakish monster."

"How about her?" Raiden pointed

Big Boss looked in the direction Raiden was pointing and saw a beautiful women in a pink dress watering flowers in a garden.

"Who is that?" Big Boss asked in a demanding manner, eager to know about the woman.

"That's Princess Peach." David told his father, grinning as he could tell his father was attracted to her

"A Princess?"

"Indeed. Hey David, why don't you go introduce your dad to her?" Raiden said with a grin

"That's a good idea Raiden!" David said in a humorous tone of voice, and looked at Raiden with the same grin.

David and Big Boss made their way to Princess Peach. She was so caught up in gardening she didn't notice them

"Hello Peach." David greeted

Peach looked up and saw the two of them.

"Oh! Hello David! Who's your friend here? He looks just like you!" Peach asked with a joyful attitude she always has.

"That's because he's my father. Peach, I'd like you to meet Big Boss." David said and presented his father to her.

"Actually, it's Jack. I'd uh, prefer to be called Jack." Jack said **(I'm going to refer to him as Jack now.)**

"It's a pleasure to meet you Jack." Peach said and extended her hand to Jack

She was gesturing for a handshake, but seeing Peach was a Princess, Jack decided to do respond to the gesture in a different way. He gently grabbed her hand, leaned forward and kissed her hand.

"The pleasure is mine your highness." Jack said respectfully

Peach blushed and giggled. She had never had someone treat her with the respect of a princess. She was very flattered by Jack's actions and found him to be quite handsome.

"You can just call me Peach." She said and smiled, with Jack smiling back to her.

"I'm going to go talk with Raiden real quick. I'll be right back dad." David lied, really just wanting to leave Jack with Peach so he and Raiden could see what happens.

David hid behind a bush with Raiden so they could spy on Jack and Peach's conversation.

"So Jack, tell me a little bit about you?" Peach asked sweetly

"Not much to say, not much to know. I'm a soldier, I've been all over the world…well my world that is. Really I traveled the world throughout my life trying to find out what I was supposed to do with my life. I had three sons, although they were created as part of a scientific experiment, and they were made to be clones of me. They also used my DNA while I was in a coma…but enough about that. I had three sons. Two of them turned out to be pretty bad. But, it looks like one of them turned out just right."

"Yeah, David is a great man. Just like his father." Peach teased

Jack frowned when Peach said this. Her saying this remembered all the things he did to David that made him believe he was not a great man.

"But, I did terrible things to David…"

"I know you did. In Outer Haven, and Zanzibar." Peach responded

"What? How do you know about that?" Jack asked

"David told us. All the smashers know."

"I see…so you know how much of a bastard I am right? You must think I'm a piece of trash right now…"

"No. I think you're a wonderful man. Sure you've done bad things. Everyone does. But you at least came to admit your faults and made peace with David. Only a good man will admit that what he did was wrong."

"But the things I've done…" Jack tried to explain before she cut him off

"I don't care what you tell me about what you did in the past, no matter how horrible they may have been. It won't change the way I think of you. David's forgiven you for what you did, you just need to forgive yourself." The Princess said.

Jack smiled at the Princess' words. He was really starting to like this woman.

"Thanks Peach. You're right, it's time for me to move on. I'm not going to live in the past anymore. It's time I start making my future." Jack said confidently

"I'm proud of you Jack." Peach said sweetly

Just then a concerned look appeared on Peach's face. She just remembered something she wanted to ask Jack.

"Jack, can I ask you something?" The Princess asked

"Of course."

"How are you alive? Not that I'm not happy about it, it's just that we were told that you had died.

"Well I did die. I've died twice as a matter of fact. The reason I'm alive this time is because…"

Jack stopped talking due to being at a loss for words. He realized that he didn't even know the reason why he was alive either. He thought about it and came up with the most logical solution he could think of.

"Uh…because of nanomachines." Jack explained

"Oh! That makes sense." Peach said and smiled.

Ah, the concept of nanomachines. Thank you Hideo Kojima. It's an author's dream. A concept that can be used to explain practically any confusing or illogical plot hole in a story. A plot hole such as how a character in a story is resurrected from the dead.

"Did you hear that?" David asked

"Hear what?" Raiden asked

"I don't know…but it sounded like a wall just broke…"

"Well now that you mention it, there's a hole in that wall over there."

Raiden pointed to a brick wall behind them, with "4th" spray painted on it.

"Oh. That's pretty weird…anyway. This is a bit of a disappointment. I thought my dad was going to make a fool of himself talking to Peach. But he broke the ice with her." David said

"Yeah. I thought we were going to get a good laugh out of this." Raiden replied with disappointment.

"Uh…I think we're about to." David said smiling as he noticing a person coming.

"What do you mean?"

"Mario is heading towards Peach and my dad."

"Yeah, so?"

"Mario and Peach have not been getting along lately. They have been having screaming matches constantly. And I've heard Mario say some pretty bad shit to her that made her run out crying."

"How are we going to get a laugh from that?"

"We're not. What I'm getting at is that if there's one thing my dad hates, it's a man being an asshole to a woman."

Mario made his way towards Jack and Peach, looking rather angry.

"PEACH!" Mario yelled angrily

Jack and Peach turned to see Mario, which caused Peach to sigh.

"Who's that?" Jack asked

"That's my boyfriend Mario. Although we haven't been getting along so well lately…" Peach explained with sadness.

"I see…" Jack responded, stared at the plumber with anger

Mario finally got close to the two of them.

"Hey-a guy. Why don't you screw off? I need to have a little talk with Peach here." Mario said rudely to Jack

Jack stared at Mario intensely, his eyes were like daggers. Mario was intimidated by the much larger man that was staring at him with anger.

"Don't speak to Jack like that!" Peach yelled to her boyfriend

"Well tell him to leave please!" Mario demanded

Peach sighed and turned to Jack

"Jack. Could you give us a moment please?" she asked politely

Jack nodded, and left the two out of respect for Peach and her request. However, he wasn't going too far.

"Well that's great! Your dad left. Now we get to see is Mario and Peach fighting!" Raiden said sarcastically

"I know my dad. I know he didn't leave without creating some sort of plan." David said confidently

David took out his thermal goggles and looked through them. He zoomed in on Mario and saw something that made David chuckle.

"Ah, that one's a classic." David laughed

"What are you talking about?"

"Take a look Raiden."

David handed the thermal goggles to Raiden. He looked through and saw the same thing David did, making Raiden grin as well.

"Like father like son." Raiden chuckled.

Mario and Peach argued for 10 minutes. The screaming could be heard miles away. The smashers were very annoyed with it but dared not to get involved. But one person did, although he would do it indirectly. Mario had brought Peach to the point of bursting with tears.

"That's it Mario! I'm done! I'm done with you!" Peach cried

"You're going to wish you didn't say that you bitch!" Mario yelled and raised his fist, preparing to strike.

Peach cringed, expecting to be struck by Mario. But the fist never came. Rather, someone came to Peach's aid.

"HEY YOU ITALIAN PRICK!" A gruff voice yelled out, getting Mario's attention.

Mario and Peach looked in the direction where the voice came from. They saw Jack, holding a device with a red button in his hand.

"You got something on your pants" Jack said with a smirk

Mario looked down to his pants and saw what it was. It was a C4, a remotely detonated plastic explosive.

"Oh shi-"

Jack pressed the button and the C4 detonated, sending Mario flying into the sky.

"Hey Raiden, let's go give my dad a hand!" David said

They both smiled and hopped out of the bush where they were hiding. Raiden jumped high in the air, due to the augmentations from his cyborg body. He unsheathed his High Frequency Blade and set it from "KILL" to "STUN". Raidien met with Mario in the air, and began smacking Mario with his blade repeatedly. Raiden stopped attacking with his blade and delivered a fast and swift kick to the plumber's testicles, causing him to cry out in pain. Raiden then meteor smashed Mario, throwing him to the ground at massive speed. Mario lied on the ground in massive pain in front of David and Jack. The father and son looked to each other and nodded. Jack pulled out his standard issue MSF Stun Rod, while David took out his stun knife. They used their weapons simultaneously and sent electricity through Mario's body. Mario was paralyzed from the 50,000 volts that spread through his body. Jack took out his hunting knife and swiped at Mario's face. Mario thought he cut his nose off, but instead it was something he valued much more. His moustache. David and Jack kicked Mario in the testicles at the same time, bringing tears to the plumber's eyes. Jack finished the job with a massive CQC slam to the ground, knocking Mario out.

Mario regained his consciousness a few minutes later. His head hurt like hell. The last thing he remembered was his fight with Peach.

"Well look who woke up" Jack said standing above Mario, who couldn't recognize him due to his blurry vision.

Jack reached down and grabbed Mario by the back of his head, and began dragging him. Mario came to his senses, and realized his clothes were taken off, with him only in his boxers. Jack lifted Mario by his head and made him face Peach.

"Ok Mario. You tell this woman that you're sorry for what you did! Understand?" Jack demanded

"Y-Y-Yes S-S-Sir. I'm sorry P-P-Peach!" Mario replied frightened.

Peach giggled at the plumber, and looked at him with a smile.

"Apology not accepted sweetie!" Peach said kindly before smacking Mario in the face with her frying pan.

"Oh that's too bad Mario. Well here's what you should learn from all this. One, never talk to a woman like that; especially such a kind hearted one like her. Two, don't ever attempt to strike a woman. Three, don't do number one or two while I'm nearby. You got it?"

Mario nodded while shaking in terror.

"Good. Oh by the way, I forgot to mention that since we kicked you in the balls so hard, you're sterile now…" Jack explained

"WHAT?!"

"I'm just kidding!" Jack said laughing

Mario sighed with relief.

"We castrated you instead. Later!"

Jack threw Mario like a football, and he landed in front of several smashers who were outside enjoying the weather. All the Smashers laughed at the plumber, who was only in his underwear. Mario's face became red hot with embarrassment. He had never been so humiliated. Even his brother Luigi was with the crowd, laughing at his brother. To make things worse, he took a picture of Mario with his phone and forwarded it to everyone on his contacts list.

David, Jack, and Raiden looked over to Peach, who looked shocked from the events that just took place.

"Peach…are you okay?" Jack asked with concern

The look of shock on the Princess' face changed to a bright smile.

"Oh thank you guys so much! I don't know what would of happened if you guys hadn't showed up!" Peach cried with gratitude.

"Oh well don't thank us." David said gesturing to himself and Raiden. "It was all this guy's idea." David continued and patted his father on the shoulder.

"Really? You did all this for me?" Peach asked looking like she was about to cry with joy.

"Well…yeah. I wasn't going to just stand by and watch you get hur-"

Jack was given a tight hug from the Princess before he could finish.

"Thank you so much Jack! I knew I was right! You're such a kind man! I don't know how I can repay you!" Peach said with tears of joy running down her eyes.

Jack returned the embrace. He looked over to David and Raiden, who were smiling and giving him a thumbs up. After breaking from the embrace, he placed his hands on her shoulders, and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"You don't have to thank me for anything Peach. The only thing that matters to me is that you're not hurt. That's all I want. Is to make sure no one hurts you." Jack told Peach assuringly.

Peach smiled brightly and hugged Jack again.

"At least let me have you over at my castle and let me make you a cake. How does that sound?" Peach asked

"Yeah Dad! Peach makes the best cake in the universe! You just got to try some!" David told his father

"Alright then. Sure. I think I'd like that Peach." Jack answered

Peach giggled and held Jack's hand.

"Great! I bought this food from the store yesterday called Calorie Mate. It tastes really good so I hope you don't mind if I mix some of it in the cake." Peach said while walking with Jack to her castle

"Calorie Mate Cake! This cake is going to taste like Heaven!" Jack yelled in excitement making Peach giggle.

"Well, looks like we helped your dad make a friend." Raiden chuckled

"Yeah, and beating the crap out of Mario was hilarious!" David laughed

"Alright, we should be getting back to our homes now." Raiden said

"You're right. Come on let's go." David agreed.

The two started traveling back to their neighborhood.

"David? Did your dad really castrate Mario?"

"Nah, he was joking around."

"Oh ok."

"But the part about him being sterile is true."

"You're serious? I didn't think that was possible."

"Neither did I, so I guess we both learned something today." David laughed

"Ah well. It's not like he was ever going to get to use them anyway." Raiden joked, making the two of them burst out laughing.

* * *

It was 11:00 PM. David was laying in bed with Samus, hugging her.

"So, how's your father adjusting to this Universe?" Samus asked

"He's doing good. He made a friend already, so that's a start." David answered

"Yeah. Him and Peach will be really good friends."

David was surprised that Samus had known that it was Peach. He didn't think anyone knew.

"How did you know that it was Peach?" David asked

"Well, everyone was talking about how David, Raiden, and this guy that looks like David protected Peach from Mario by beating the shit out of him." Samus giggled

"Uh...yeah. Well it was my father's idea. Me and Raiden just helped out." David responded nervously.

"I've been trying to get Peach to break up with that asshole for months now. I guess she was scared he was going to hurt her." Samus said

"Yeah well, my dad made sure that didn't happen."

"Like father, like son."

"What are you talking about Samus?"

"You and your dad. You're just like each other. You both put others before yourselves. You and your father would give you're lives for people. You two have such good hearts."

"I..."

Samus kissed David before he could speak

"Ok Samus. Just remember that I'm no hero." David teased

"Ok. You may not be a hero...but you are my husband." Samus replied.

David looked over to his wife and smiled. He held her tight and kissed her passionately on the lips.

"I love you Samus." David whispered

"I love you to David." she whispered back

* * *

**Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed it. I'd like to let it be known that I'm taking suggestions on what the next episode should be about. Suggestions are only to be sent via PM to me, not in the reviews section. The Reviews section is for reviews only.**


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